Stop Asking for Obedience
How to Build a Real Conversation with Your Horse
Have you ever felt like you were just not vibing with your horse? Has it made you question why you started this horse-life quest? You are not alone!
Why did I start riding? One day, when I was about seven, I was lucky enough to go on a group trail ride. I just felt like I belonged on the back of that pony. I begged for riding lessons after that, until I got them. My point is:
We started riding because we felt something—a spark, a connection, a magnetic pull toward something bigger than words. But somewhere along the way, that spark gets tangled up in pressure, expectations, and the need to “do it right.”
Most riders eventually hit a wall. Maybe you’re not getting the breakthrough you hoped for. Maybe you’ve just bought a new horse and feel like you’re starting all over again—even if this one is “more experienced.” You’re not alone. And you’re not doing anything wrong.
Every new horse means building a new partnership. Even seasoned riders can feel like they’ve gone backwards when what used to work suddenly… doesn’t. But the truth is, you don’t need to start from scratch every time. You just need a system—a way to open the conversation and build understanding from day one. That’s where the three Partnership Questions come in.
What Most Riders Are Missing
“Obedience might get you a response, but conversation gets you the right one.”
Here’s the problem with the obedience-based model so many of us were taught, it only works when everything goes according to plan.
It tells us how things should go, but not what to do when they don’t.
When your horse gets confused, resists, or shows signs of tension, this approach doesn’t give you options—it gives you ultimatums.
“Do it anyway.”
“He’s just being stubborn.”
“Make him do it.”
It’s a rigid model based on the belief that horses aren’t smart or sensitive enough to have input. That if they aren’t doing what we asked, they must be lazy, disobedient, or dominant. But what if they’re just unclear? Or overwhelmed? Or asking you a question in return?
If we keep approaching horses like they’re machines to program or subordinates to control, we miss the opportunity to collaborate. To build something better. Something mutual.
Is My Horse Soft? (And Am I?)
Relaxation is one of the most misunderstood concepts in riding and that’s why I’m calling it softness. Even the USDF has been unable to come up with a good term for it and then decided to re-write their entire training pyramid in hopes of a clarification. I don’t think it worked because we’ve been taught to create relaxation—through flexion, through yield, through pressure and release. But the truth is, you can’t create or force relaxation. You can’t “make” a horse relax or soften just by using more leg or stronger hands. Creating a horse that appears supple because they’ve been forced to overuse all of their parts is not relaxation or softness.
Force cannot dissolve brace.
You might be able to overpower it temporarily. You might even make the horse comply. But brace lives in the nervous system. And the only thing that can truly dissolve it is safety—emotional and physical. That starts with trust. Trust starts with a conversation. That is why this framework is so powerful. When you can have a conversation with your horse, you can develop a bond with mutual trust and then you don’t even have to “work” on relaxation. Softness can always prevail and that makes your job easier, and your horse feel better.
When we talk about softness, we’re not just talking about a jaw that gives or a back that swings. We’re talking about the whole horse being open to the moment. Receptive. Curious. Unafraid.
And here’s the part many riders miss:
You can’t expect softness from your horse if you’re not bringing softness into the ride yourself.
Are your hands gripping? Is your mind rushing ahead? Are your thoughts rigid, or open to what your horse is showing you?
Softness begins with us. Perfection does not invite softness, perfectionism invites rigidity. It invites the notion that we need to hold it all together and not allow for deviations from the script. This closes your mind to allowing your horse to be brilliant and yourself.
When you ask your horse to do something, check in.
Are they meeting the moment with tension, or with ease?
Are you?
If not—pause.
Breathe.
Soften.
Let that be the conversation starter, not the correction. Be honest with yourself as to why you have tension. Fear is not something to be ashamed of. It means you haven’t gotten into the mode of conversation yet. Think of it like going to a big city that you are unfamiliar with and getting on a subway only to find the one empty seat next to a person who looks scary to you. You might sit there for the whole ride feeling uncomfortable and not sure if you should switch positions or re-cross a leg or adjust your coat. What if that person speaks to you? Maybe they notice something you are wearing or carrying and make a connection with it. Maybe it’s a college baseball cap and they say: “I graduated from that college, did you?” You may answer hesitantly, but then image they continue the conversation, accepting your answer whether it was yes or no. This person is very engaging and makes you feel at ease. As you step off the subway maybe you feel a little silly for being frightened of them to begin with. Think of your horse the same way. If you feel a little uncomfortable, you just haven’t found the right conversation starter, yet.
Is My Horse Responsive? (And Am I?)
Responsiveness often gets mistaken for obedience. We’ve been taught to expect a “yes” the moment we apply a cue—and if we don’t get it, to escalate until we do. But here’s the problem with that mindset: It reduces responsiveness to reaction. It teaches horses to move because of pressure, not because they’re engaged in a shared intention. Most riders are not really prepared to escalate their cues to the level we’ve seen displayed by some professionals in equestrian sports (nor should they be), but this brace in the rider’s mind causes them to seem confused to the horse. I call it, the go, but don’t go problem. Here’s an example.
Riders don’t want their horses to go TOO FAST or TOO BOLDLY. This means that rather than start with a light aid and expect a lively move off most riders give some middle of the road type cue and accept when the horse just goes forward at all. Then they keep nagging the horse to keep going or keep up the speed they want or maybe they keep nagging hoping the horse will “push” more. The horse eventually just assumes that this is the rider’s normal state of kicking, squeezing, pushing, whatever and they just ignore it. Now the trainer wants to see more ENERGY and the horse and rider are trapped in a tricky spot. The rider doesn’t want to escalate, the horse isn’t used to escalation, so the trainer says: let me try. Now the horse gets a not so nice taste of escalation and decides that is not for them possibly doing something that not only scares the owner, but the trainer too. Off to the sales barn they go….
True responsiveness isn’t just about getting a reaction—it’s about creating a conversation.
If you think about building off your conversation about softness, now responsiveness is a conversation about energy. Do we have too much, not enough? Is one of us carrying more or less than the other? Can we match each other’s energies. This kind of thinking can lead to some very fun and engaging exercises for horses and humans because, the real shift comes when we turn the question on ourselves.
Responsiveness is about timing, awareness, and clarity.
It asks:
Did my horse understand what I meant? Did I understand what I asked, for real?
Did something change when I asked? Did I notice a change or was I still asking instead of noticing?
Did I feel like there was hesitation or effort? Did I listen when my horse gave feedback?
Did I stay in the moment—or react out of frustration? Did my horse stay with me or were they prepared for something else?
Many times, our horses are trying to communicate, and we’re too fixated on the result to hear them. Responsiveness means you’re both present. It means you’re in the dialogue, not just throwing cues into the void and hoping for compliance. So, next time your horse hesitates, ask yourself:
“Did I give them time to answer?”
“Did I actually listen?”
If you feel like your horse gave you a response, but it was a subtle one:
· Celebrate and say, yes that is what I was asking!
· Now, you can say, but could we try like this?
· Just remember now you’re listening for an answer again. If your horse says no, but I can do it this way again. You need to work on your communication highway. If your horse says, I can try this! Say thanks, but I was looking for this (subtle response again) just different. Horses are smart enough to figure that out.
Because responsiveness doesn’t just create flow—it builds trust. And trust is what makes energy feel safe to offer.
Is My Horse Aligned? (And Am I?)
Alignment can be elusive. It’s easy to think it just means “straight and balanced.” Straightness down the rail, straightness through the body, balanced over all four feet. But alignment is so much more than geometry.
True alignment is about shared intention. It means both horse and rider are mentally, emotionally, and physically going in the same direction—with balance and clarity.
It’s about the freedom to create a movement, and to carry oneself without bracing, and to stay in that movement and be mentally in sync with the task at hand. It’s also about the freedom to abandon the movement when you can no longer stay in sync. This fundamental is often so elusive because you hear all the time: don’t let the horse stop, keep it going, don’t let them break gait, you’ll teach them they can stop….
I hate to burst the training bubble, but horses do not learn that way. If you are stopping because the movement is no longer in sync, the horse is craving alignment. If you find that alignment at a slower speed or easier movement and then invite the horse to try the harder thing again, you haven’t taught them to not do what you wanted. You’ve taught them what you want them to do, which is not fight through some crappy movement with hopes of emerging victorious on the other side. The likelihood of you emerging victorious through crap is slim to none.
For example: a horse might appear aligned in the body but be completely out of balance in their mind.
They’re rushing ahead, tuning out.
Or dragging behind, checking out.
Or physically leaning on the rider to stay upright.
In all these instances, it’s likely that the rider is aware of not being in sync, but because they don’t know how to have the conversation they are just hanging on for dear life. Yes, there are some professionals who can make it look like things are going ok, but even they tend to a hit wall at some level.
Likewise, a rider might be perfectly centered in the saddle, but their mind is already five steps ahead—or stuck three strides behind. So, ask yourself; are we going somewhere together or am I just hoping we’re going in the direction I want to go? How many horses have you seen “suddenly” leave the arena. That conversation broke down long before the horse got to it’s escape point.
Alignment is about unity. It’s not just posture. It’s partnership. You and your horse need to be mentally in-tuned. You both need to be clear about where you’re going, why, how far, and how fast. Each time you ask yourself is your horse aligned, mirror the question back. Usually, we find out that it’s often us that becomes disconnected faster than the horse. After all, they evolved centuries ago to stay in sync with their herd.
Alignment is synchronicity in motion—and you can’t fake it.
Ready to Start the Conversation with Your Horse?
If this post stirred something in you—if you’re realizing that obedience isn’t cutting it anymore, or you’re craving a deeper, more connected relationship with your horse—you’re not alone.
And you don’t have to figure it all out by yourself.
🎧 Start by listening to Episode 8 of my podcast Come Ride With Me where I break down the Three Questions That Build Partnership—and share how my own horse Gus helped me learn the hard way that communication, not control, is what leads to real brilliance in the arena.
📝 Then, take the Are You a Perfectionist Rider? quiz to get personalized insights into what might be blocking your connection—and get access to a free mini-series of exercises to help you start a real-time conversation with your horse.
You don’t need more leg.
You don’t need more pressure.
You just need to ask better questions—and listen for the answers.
✨ Let’s make your rides feel like dialogue, not demand.
Because your horse has something to say. And they’re just waiting for you to ask.
